Help Encrypting Connection String

I am trying to perform the most basic encryption of my connection string in
web.config and I am totally lost. Before someone flames me for not
researching before posting, let me tell you that I have read literally
dozens of explanations and blogs on this and I am more confused than ever.

Every article I have read starts out with stating what a breeze this is to
do, but by the time I get to the 3rd paragraph, either my head is spinning
with encryption technicalities or they assume that I can run aspnet_regiis
on the server. I don't host my web server, like many people, and I find this
assumption obnoxious. To make matters worse, virtually every article I've
read has a different methodology to perform the encryption. I understand
that there are many ways to skin the same cat in .NET, but I'm looking for
simple, if it exists. I never used the 2005 beta, and I'm guessing that many
of these articles are referring to functionality that has subsequently

I'm not trying to hide anything from the NSA. I simply wish to prevent some
scumbag from trashing my site.
If I have to spend 40 hours becoming an encryption guru before I can do
this, then that's fine. I just wish that someone would be up front about
this and stop stating what a snap it is. If it really is a snap could
someone please provide me a link to some code that is current, accurate, and
unassuming. VB is my language, but I'll certainly settle for some C# code.