bwahahahahah

From: Colonel Flagg (colonel_flagg_at_NOSOUPFORJ00internetwarzone.org)
Date: 11/17/03 

Date: Sun, 16 Nov 2003 20:21:23 -0500

In article <3FB80F52.8B97221A@pobox.com>, tznospam@pobox.com says...
> Feel free to distribute.
>
>
>
> "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
>
> "Good morning. I'd like to build a house."
>
> "Certainly, sir! We're the biggest builders around. That's what we
> do! Come on down to our office and we'll take care of you!"
>
> <two months later>
>
> "There you are Mr. Baker, your new house! Easy to get around in,
> and isn't it pretty?"
>
> "Yes, very pretty. Thank you, here's my check."
>
> <three weeks later>
>
> "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
>
> "Good morning. This is Mr. Baker. You built a house for me a few
> weeks ago."
>
> "Of course, Mr. Baker! What can we do for you?"
>
> "I'm terribly upset. Someone broke into my house and spray-painted
> the walls."
>
> "Oh dear, I'm very sorry to hear that."
>
> "The police said they were able to get in because my front door
> has a cheap lock on it. I'd like the lock replaced with a better
> one."
>
> "I see, sir. Well...I'm afraid we don't offer any other model of
> lock to go with your model of house. BUT, next month we'll be
> offering our House 2003 (TM), with better locks! Perhaps you'd
> like to upgrade to the House 2003?"
>
> "But I've already moved in! All my furniture is here. Why can't
> you just install a new lock on my existing house?"
>
> "Well sir, I'm afraid your model of house isn't supported anymore.
> We have several newer models now, and we direct our efforts toward
> supporting them, instead. If you don't want to upgrade I'm afraid
> there's nothing I can do."
>
> "Hmmph! Well then, I guess I'll just go down to the hardware store
> and *buy* a better lock and install it myself."
>
> "Er. Well, sir, I'm afraid I must direct your attention to Section
> IX, Paragraph 7 of your Bill the Builder contract, which states
> specifically that only Bill the Builder is allowed to alter your
> house in any way."
>
> "What are you talking about? It's my house!"
>
> "Well, actually, sir, if you refer to Section II of the contract,
> you will see that it is not in fact your house, but our house.
> Technically you have a perpetual rent-free lease. You may use the
> house in any way you see fit, subject to contractual provisions,
> but you may not alter it. Only we may alter it."
>
> "I seeeee. What a shame. Well, I must ask you to excuse me, I have
> some shopping to do."
>
> "In fact, sir, our houses are designed so that you *can't* alter
> them, unless you have the correct keys to access the hardware.
> Which only our technicians have."
>
> "Why...you little...!" <SLAM>
>
> <five weeks later>
>
> "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
>
> "This is Mr. Baker. My house has been broken into *again*."
>
> "I'm very sorry to hear that, Mr. Baker. What can we do for you?"
>
> "You can put on a better lock!"
>
> "Well, Mr. Baker, as I explained before..."
>
> "I know! I know! You don't have a better lock! Unless I get this
> new 'House 2003' of yours."
>
> "Which is available NOW, and at a discount for current customers!"
>
> "Feh. I suppose I'll have to pony up for it, it's better than
> having my house broken into every month. But this one had better
> have a damned good lock on it!"
>
> "Oh, certainly, Mr. Baker! We guarantee it!"
>
> "Well, good. All right. I'll come down and do the paperwork."
>
> <three months later>
>
> "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
>
> "Hello. This is Mr. Baker. I have a House 2003 and it's just been
> broken into."
>
> "Oh dear, I'm very sorry..."
>
> "And I'm looking at your contract here, and I see your so-called
> 'guarantee' only offers to take the house back and reimburse me
> for the value of the house."
>
> "Well, yes sir. That's our limitation of liability."
>
> "It doesn't cover the damage that was done to my furniture because
> your lock failed."
>
> "Well, no sir, that would be consequential damage, and we don't
> cover that."
>
> "Can you at least put in a better lock? This one is hardly any
> better than the old one!"
>
> "Oh, yes, sir! If you sign on to our special service contract, we
> will undertake to replace your lock every month, with our latest
> and most secure model!"
>
> "Great. So I'll have workers coming in and messing with my lock
> every month. Just great."
>
> "Of course, it's purely optional, sir. You don't have to sign up
> for the service contract if you'd prefer not to."
>
> "No, of course not. I can just put up with break-ins. I'll sign up
> for your service contract all right, you bloodsucker."
>
> <two months later>
>
> "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
>
> "Hello. This is Mr. Baker. You'll be happy to hear that no one has
> gotten through the lock on my front door since you started
> replacing the lock every month."
>
> "We certainly are happy to hear that, Mr..."
>
> "They came in through the window, instead!"
>
> "Oh dear, I'm very sorry to..."
>
> "Yes, yes, I know! You're very sorry to hear that! Fine! What are
> you going to *do* about it?"
>
> "Well sir, actually, this is not the first report we've had of
> this problem. Our lock technicians are working very hard on better
> security for windows. It's all part of our new focus on secure
> windows."
>
> "Well, that's very comforting. I suppose you'll charge me extra
> for them, too."
>
> "Of *course* not, sir! The security of your home is now our top
> priority! Our technicians will come to your home and install new
> window locks at the same time as they install new door locks."
>
> "Oh. Well, good. These better locks will be available soon, then?"
>
> "Very soon, sir."
>
> "Good. Good day."
>
> <three months later>
>
> "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
>
> "Hello. This is Mr. Baker. Your technicians installed my new locks
> three days ago. My house was broken into yesterday. The police
> said it looks like they made a mistake installing the door lock."
>
> "Oh dear, I'm very..."
>
> "And--" <ding-dong> "excuse me, someone's at the door. I'll call
> you back."
>
> <30 minutes later>
>
> "Bill the Builder! Good morning!"
>
> "Hello, Mr. Baker again."
>
> "Hello, Mr. Baker! How may we help you today?"
>
> "I was going to suggest that you get your act together. But I
> think I'd rather just stop dealing with your company entirely. One
> of my neighbors just dropped by and she mentioned another builder
> that she's been quite happy with."
>
> "Really, sir? May I ask who?"
>
> "Some outfit run by a couple of young fellows named...Richard and
> Linus, I think she said. Apparently they build much better and
> safer homes and don't charge nearly as much for them."
>
> "Oh, sir! Yes, I know who you mean. But sir, have you noticed that
> their houses don't look nearly as nice as ours do? And I've heard
> they're not as easy to get around in, either. And they certainly
> don't have our reputation! Why, they're just a couple of fellows
> barely out of college! Our company has been building homes for
> twenty years!"
>
> "Well, maybe, but my neighbor has had one of their houses for two
> years now and it hasn't been broken into even once. And she says
> whenever they find a problem with one of their locks, or anything
> else, she gets it installed right away, for free. Sounds a lot
> better than the kind of service I've gotten from you. I can put up
> with a house that's a little rougher around the edges if I don't
> have to worry about hoodlums breaking in every few weeks."
>
> "But sir, as I've said, better locks are now our TOP priority! And
> I'm prepared to offer you an upgrade to our latest model, at a
> substantially reduced price! In fact, sir...we have a new policy,
> now! If anyone breaks into your house, we offer a five *million*
> dollar reward for information leading to their arrest! Now,
> doesn't that sound like a good deal?"
>
> "Hmm. Decent locks so they can't break in at all, or a five
> million dollar reward after they break in. Interesting idea. I'll
> have to think real hard about that one. Tell you what...I'll call
> you back."
>
> <click> <bzzzzzzzzzzzzz>
>
> 

-- 
Colonel Flagg
http://www.internetwarzone.org/
Privacy at a click:
http://www.cotse.net 
Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, he just defines Darkness? as the new industry standard..."
"...I see stupid people."

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